28 abr. 2017

Black Holes

Black holes are created when the biggest and brightest stard explode and die.
So, what happens when our biggest and brightest emotions are killed?
Then our hearts become black holes that suck in all our other feelings.
Until there's nothing else to suck in. Until the person dies.

And so, we can die inside, but our lives and bodies are forced onwards.
Society doesn't allow us to take the time we need to revive.
How many people in the daily crowd are reaaly alive?
And how many are just walking forward?

We are a society of dead hearts, sad minds and live bodies.

19 abr. 2017

Thoughts of a Young Girl in Love: Thought #5

Maybe you’re just another he in a list. Well, no. You’re not just another one; you’re the first one in capital letters. You’re the first HE. And I hope there’s only a next one, and that would be beside you. That HE would call us Mom and Dad.
You’re important. You’re valuable. I care more than I probably should, but I love caring if it is about you. You’ve made me grow, and you’ve given me back the inspiration that had run away from me. I missed writing; I have to thank you for this. I probably say this way too often, but who cares? I love you.

What's wrong with me?

This morning I woke up and wished that my life would stop, that I could stay in bed all day. But I couldn't do it, obviously. But lately, this has been happening more often that it should. I mean, we all have bad days, but not as many and as often as I've been having them. It's like I stopped feeling. Or at least caring.
Today I punched the wall. It's not the first time I do it, but this time I punched it harder, thinking the pain would wake me up somehow. It didn't. I just sat there, in the PE's changing room, looking at my hurt knuckles. What is wrong with me? I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go training. I wanna punch the walls until my hands bleed, I wanna sleep away this entire week, I wanna write and watch series and read and do nothing. I need to stop. But how do I tell that to the world. I need my life to stop, to stop and make sense again.
And now I find myself looking at the screen, blankly. Am I a monster? I... I hate everything right now. I feel overwhelmed by people all the time. I wish I could ignore the world just as I'm ignoring the alarm that tells me to get ready for training right now. But I can't. So I guess I have to go and do get ready for training.

18 abr. 2017

After all, I feel guilty...

Sooo, I just finished watching 13 Reasons Why. And I also watched the Beyond the Reasons, which is sort of a documentary on the reasons they filmed the series as they did. And they talk about suicides, and sexual assault and young people's feelings. And they sort of made me feel bad.

There was a point a couple months ago, where I felt like there was nothing else for me here. I had lost something really important to me, I felt like there was a black hole in my chest. And for a moment, just for a stupid moment, I thought everything would be better if everything just ended there. If I was dead I couldn't feel anything anymore, right? But then, I hated myself even more for thinking about it, for thinking even for a second about it. I know, my reasons are stupid, I wasn't thinking about suicide because I felt unloved or like I didn't have any other way out. I thought about suicide because I was terrified of the intensity of the pain in my chest. So, I'm not going to say that I know what most suicidal people feel. What I'm going to say is that I understand. I understand even though you are not going to believe me. And I guess I decided to write this post to say something to all these people that feel worthless and unloved: 
Do not kill yourselves. Even though you may be unloved ('cause I'm not going to pull that bullshit about everyone being loved and wothy), you have something to do in this world. We all are born for a reason, so stay and do whatever you were born to do.

Adults always tell us that what we feel now will not last forever, that it will be all right once we grow up. But when are we grown up enough? Never. Adults get depressed too, adults kill themselves too, they drink until they've forgotten whatever it is that haunts them. Thing is, kids aren't allowed to do that. We live in a society where it is not okay to take a moment to breathe and sort everything that's going on inside you head out. I'm seventeen, in a year I'll be legally an adult. But I have not the slightest idea what the heck I am doing with my life. Adults have forgotten why everything young people do is life or death. So I'm going to remind to any adult readers (AKA non): we do it because we're terrified. We don't know what will happen. We've been fed all this stupid stories about the most successful people getting discovered in high school o meeting their true love at a really young age. And here we are, walking down the same halls everyday; lost, isolated, and desperate to fit in. So yes, adults, we know what we feel now will not be forever, and that terrifies us. We do not know who we are, we think we aren't feeling like we are supposed to be feeling, we worry there's something wrong with us. So, please, stop telling us it will be okay, and start telling us you understand and that it is okay to feel whatever we are feeling.

And, before I go, one more thing. If you're like me, and you have ever thought about taking your own life but you didn't, it's okay. I know you feel awful. I know you feel guilty. It's okay. Maybe it means you do matter to the person that matters most in this world: you. I know it's worth nothing, but:
Keep going, you can make mistakes, you are allowed to fail, you are not perfect and that's okay, because no one is. I always needed to talk to someone and I didn't, so I started writing. But I am here for anyone who needs to get the shit out of their mind. This is my email address, do not hesitate to use it if you need to get something off your mind: helena.rm11@gmail.com

17 abr. 2017

Pieces of self-hatred 2.0

Am I a bad person? Somedays I strongly believe I am. I am a terrible person. I am so self-centered. I don't know how long it's really been, but I realized that I have spent the past year hurting people non-stop. Just the way some people had hurt me. And now I am disgusted with myself. How can I keep going on like this? How can I keep hurting the people around me?