22 jun. 2017

My fears

Hi there, here I am once more to talk about my greatest fears and some other stuff I've been thinking about recently. How boring, right? But anyway, this is just for me, so let's get started, and I apology beforehand because this will probably get very very long.
Since I was very young, I was encouraged to do things. I was signed up for swimming lessons since my sister competed on that. And at 5 I decided what I wanted to do. So I signed up for Springboard Diving. And it became my life, a part of who I was. I was known as the girl who liked reading and did diving. Yes, I was that nerdy girl. And that sport made me happy, I wasn't either particularly good or bad at it, it was just what I really liked doing. I trained hard, ever since I was around 10, and it pretty much became all I could and most of the time wanted to do. Obviously I had to miss out on friend's parties and this kind of stuff, but most of the time I didn't actually mind. I've never been really sociable, even though my parents believed I was, I mostly stuck to being nice and smiling so as not to create enemies and make what I guessed were friends. But well, I was always better with written words, and liked books better than people. I also felt more comfortable around adults than people my own age, since they tended to judge me and not completely understand why I did the things I did, like train 5-6 days per week for instance.
As I've grown up it's become apparent to me that I don't really have the mental strength to deal with changes. I rely heavily on my routines, even at a really young age I hated summer because it meant I didn't have anything to do daily. The thing is, it seems to me that the adults around me don't notice that, or at least they do nothing to help, so I mostly struggle through all of the changes trying to be mature and adult-like because it always seemed it would be easier that way. Why am I writing about this? Because I think that should be the first fear I need to talk about today. So: Fear number 1 is Change.
When I was 13 or 14, my body decided to just rebel against me. The previous year was lost between ankle injuries and I had been left behind by everyone else at training. Besides, my shoulders decided they no longer wanted to take the impacts with the water. So little by little I was forced by my own body and the competitions (springboard diving isn't such a big world where I live) to quit. And just like that a part of myself was ripped off. And I'm ashamed to say that three years later I'm still not over that. I miss it, with every fiber of my body, I miss it so much that it hurts a lot.

And in a way, this takes us to Fear number 2, Failure. Also since I was very young I realized my sister was meant to take up all of the space available. She was the one to talk at dinner and all the time. We are separated by a 7 year gap, so we weren't exactly those kind of sisters who were playing together all the time. As I said I wasn't very sociable, even with my sister, so the few times she asked to play with me I just refused. And by the time I wanted to play with her she was studying or hanging out with her friends or at swimming practice. So I spent my time watching TV and at my own practices. My mom used to work long hours at a clothes shop, but she took me to school every morning. That fifteen minute walk from home to school was my alone time with my mother. Then there was my father, who was the one to take me to practice and pretty much everywhere I needed to go. I bonded with my father through sport, and felt much more comfortable around him than my mom, since I wasn't exactly girly and felt that I was constantly disappointing her on that. Dad was the one who came to all my competitions, although most times he was late and didn't actually see me, I now appreciate that he came. I've never really commanded attention, even though I wanted it. In a sense I guess I've always felt like it's better for me just to be invisible and do what's expected of me. I keep an excellent average at school and mostly stay out of trouble. But I was never recognized in the way I wanted to be. My mom used to tell me if I had done things right, but somehow that was never enough. I was always seeking for Dad's approval, and that wasn't easy. I now know he is proud of my work as most fathers are, but he's as good as showing care as I am. Which makes it pretty difficult for us to communicate sometimes. Quitting diving was devastating not only because it was such an essential part of who I was but because I felt like one of the few connections I had managed to establish with my dad was about to be severed. And it was. After that, I took up football, but it wasn't the same, and eventually he stopped coming to the matches.

I know that reading this you must think I was a neglected kid, but that isn't the case. It is mostly my fault since I never asked for attention, I just learned to hide everything away and be quiet and invisible when it was possible. My parents are really good parents and they did a great job with me and my sister, but at 17 I'm reaching my own breaking points. I've always been mature and adult-like, and I'm not saying I don't want to be treated like and adult, but I also want them to remember that in the end, I'm only 17 and I'm still a kid. So I guess this has taken us to Fear number 3, Not Being Enough. This one affects me daily, and it's therefore the most bothersome for my closest friends. Normally, it makes me a bit cranky when my judgment is frowned upon. I've been told by teachers since a very young age that I was smart so I tended to act like a smart-ass, and everyone would hate me for it. Sometimes I just blurt out facts that I know, and I've been told repeatedly this is really annoying so when I can, I try to contain myself and shut up. My sister used to tell me I was arrogant and well, a smart-ass. I was told to repress this, a part of who I am, and I now do it without thinking but it hurts because I'm sort of socially awkward and sometimes those facts are my only way out.

Linked to all of this is Fear number 4, Not Getting the Feeling-Situation Right, as in not feeling what I'm supposed to feel when I'm supposed to feel it. I don't really know how to explain it. I just think I'm emotionally wrong all the time. For instance, Dad left for a three month vacation in a sail boat last year on his own because he had just retired, and instead of being happy because he was doing what he always wanted to do I was really really angry because he was leaving us behind, just like that. I felt so angry at him, and then I was feeling angry at myself because it was not fair for him and I knew it but I really couldn't help it. I don't know, I guess I'm not going to write much more on this one.

As you might have noticed, mine is a bit of a dysfunctional family. I've been doing the cleaning in the house (not helping, actually doing part of it) since I was 11 or so. My life hasn't been all that normal, I always seem to do things out of the average timing or simply differently from everyone else. And I know I am not special, I'm not exceptionally gifted for anything. But sometimes I wish I was so I could get an explanation to everything. Maybe if I was gifted I could understand why I am the way I am. Now it seems unfair. I wasn't those kids running around in the park. I never asked to go and no one ever took me. And I know there's a lot of people who have it way worse than I have had it, and it really makes me feel bad when complaining, but what the hell, I have a right to complaint, don't I? But it doesn't matter. When my parents forget that I'm still 17 I take it and keep going forward.
The past three years have been pretty rough. As I said, quitting diving was devastating but I never said anything and no one asked. Then I had the horrible Sky episode, the classic bad boyfriend and the major breakup which also messed me up hugely. That was around a year ago, and it's taken me all of that time to work through it. But in these three years I've realized how utterly lost I am. And also what is my Biggest Fear: Myself. This one can be explained through my Fear number 5, Silence.
I've always hated silence and darkness and loneliness, because they trapped me inside my head and it is pretty scary up there. If I get in one of my dark moods I can easily get lost up there and be carried away by fear and anxiety and sadness. Mom often gets mad at me because I'm always using my headphones, but that's actually just a defense tactic so as not to be left in silence at any time. When everything is silent my head starts running and I get lost in the dark labyrinth. And that is what scares me most in this world.

I am so sorry that this is so long. I just needed to get it out of my head. Thank you if you read it, even one sentence, and please just don't judge me 'cause I just gave you all a piece of my heart.
And don't judge me on wording and coherence either 'cause I cried all the time I spent writing this and I am refusing to read it all again.

13 jun. 2017

thoughts of a Young Girl in Love: Thought #13

It’s funny how this is helping me. He told me once that I had to stop writing about the things that hurt me. Well, I agree, but I can’t stop because it really does help. It clears my head. It makes me realize that not everything is lost. It makes the pain go away, as bizarre as it sounds.
Re-reading my thoughts, ordered in the writing, I can see my emotions floating around. It’s beautiful. And it gives me the confidence I need to keep on writing, because it makes me feel like I can make my words worth something, it makes me feel like I could be an awesome writer some day. Not today, not just yet though. But one day I will be. And that’s giving me peace, blessed and needed peace of mind. Which, I must say, I don’t enjoy very often.
For example, Thought #11 made me realize that my love for him is what’s mending my own broken heart. How ironical, right? But it’s also amazing. He hurt me, but I love him too much to hate him. And that love is healing all the wounds he made. My own heart is stitching itself up, that’s how strong my feelings are. So, now I am going to let myself feel proud; because I got to love you more than I love anyone else, because you matter so much to me that I would doom myself for eternity if it meant I could be by your side forever.

12 jun. 2017

Thoughts of a Young Girl in Love: Thought #12

Also on the way home today, I finally realized what my problem is. I learned to be happy only through people, and that’s not a really good way to be happy. People come and go, they make you happy but they can disappoint you too. They can break your heart in multiple ways. Truth is, they can also fix it, but that’s not living happily ever after, is it?
So I have to unlearn everything. And then learn it again. I have to figure out how to be happy through things. Through books, series, sports, writing. If those things become important enough to make me as happy as people do, I’ll be safe. Those things can’t leave, right? They will always stay by my side, right here where I can touch them. And they will save me from myself, form this desperate need of external approval of mine.

11 jun. 2017

Thoughts of a Young Girl in Love: Thought #11

I’ve been thinking a lot on my way home today. You broke my heart last Saturday, damn if you didn’t. But you also kind of mended it on Sunday. I appreciate that. I think you’re not putting all the stitches there because you still want me beside you. But you think I’ll eventually forget that I love you, so you’re trying to run away. Well, the thing is, I understand that you felt trapped, I was aware of that feeling. However, this time you’ll forget before I do. Or at least, that’s what you’ll make me believe.
To be crystal clear, even if I put my life back together and go on with it, my feelings aren’t going to vanish. Maybe they’ll fall asleep, just as they fell in love with you. But, disappear? Oh my darling, that’s not ever going to happen. You’ve left your mark on me, like it or not. And I’m happy I met you, I’m happy you decided to share some time with me like that, knowing that it wouldn’t last but feeling that it was worth it to try. It was intense, wasn’t it? So, I’m glad that you came into my life; I just hope you hadn’t to walk out of it so fast. You’re still here though, so let’s make the most out of it. Deal?

10 jun. 2017

Thoughts of a Young Girl in Love: Thought #10

So, I know you told me not to write about the things that hurt again. But, here’s the thing, it helps me collect my thoughts. It helps me clear my head when it’s a mess. You smoke, don’t you? Well, I write.
You are going to leave. And you’ll be the happiest you’ve ever been here when you’re away, I am well aware of that. But I’m scared. Because you are also leaving me behind, and it is freaking me out. I guess we’ll just go on with our lives like before we met each other, but I don’t want that anymore. I wanted a future next to you. I wanted to go live together some day. I wanted to take your hand and kiss it, then look up into your eyes and smile every day of my life for the rest of it. But that wasn’t really going to happen in the end, was it? I guess I should’ve been prepared. I guess I should’ve known. And, actually, I knew. I knew you’d walk away sooner or later. But now that there’s a date I don’t think I will be able to handle it. I’m not ready. I am so scared. Because the moment you decided to take your leave, I had already lost you. I can keep up with you, be by your side until the day your flight takes off. But you can’t, I know you. This relationship of ours is going to crumble to the ground in no time. Because you’ll feel so frustrated you’ll have to decide on either giving up on leaving or actually leaving. And since I love you too much and seeing you unhappy would be unbearable for me, I’ll push you into leaving, because that’s what you got to do, it’s what’s going to be good for you. Even if it kills me.
I love you no matter what you do, where you go or how long it’s been. I love you, and I will for a long long time. So if you come back and still feel the same way about me, be sure I’ll be waiting for you at the airport, just so I can be the first one to hug you again. I will miss you my dear, this is not going to be easy for me. But I’ll hide it as well as I can, make sure you don’t ever discover how much it’ll hurt me. You’re never reading this, I promise. But just know, I love you more than I loved anyone before. I love you more than I love myself, though that’s not that hard, right?
Take care and don’t forget about me please. Promise you’ll think about me from time to time. And promise me that when you do, you will with tenderness, not hurt or regret, but love and happiness. Because I’d like to think that I made you as happy as I could.